Artists of the Third Millennium:
No more grants?
Don't sweat, take your chances at public art!
Artist: I need a box of 100 pushpins for my project.
Bureaucrat: Our institution doesn't use pushpins, the official
paper-sticker-upper is red tape. However, since pushpins are the sole
material which serves a specific function without which your project could
not be realized, we can accommodate your request for pushpins.
A: Thanks. I prefer the clear plastic type.
B: We're terribly sorry, but in compliance with the State of California
Environmental Freeze on non-post-consumer plastics, we are unable to issue
a purchase order for clear plastic pushpins.
A: That's OK, just order some made from 100% recycled plastic.
B: We're very sorry, but the 100% recycled plastic pushpins are not a
product available from our roster of pre-approved office supply vendors .
If you wish to order 100% recycled plastic push-pins, the Purchasing
Department must solicit three bids from other possible sources.
A: Thanks, but how long will that take?
B: The Senior Officer in the Procurement Division of the Purchasing
Department is the only person authorized to sign the Request for
Solicitation of Bids. He is currently on vacation for the next two weeks.
A: Well, get me the aluminum ones then.
B: Be advised that the aluminum pushpins cost 17% more than the plastic
type, which puts us over budget by 42 cents.
A: That's OK, I'll just give you the 42 cents.
B: We are afraid it isn't that simple.
A: Oh?
B: If you make a donation of 42 cents, you must donate the money directly
to the Foundation. After the next quarterly meeting of the Board of
Directors and subsequent approvals by the Development Committee and the
Budget Committee, the Foundation will make a recommendation based on the
following criteria:
a) determine if the donation complies with the State of California's policy
on charitable contributions
b) determine the appropriateness of your project in relation to other
Foundation concerns
c) determine whether to fund your project with a grant for 42 cents (minus
a 6% fee which goes back into the endowment) or whether there
are other projects more needy of funding at this time.
Please be advised that there are numerous other projects the Foundation is
currently considering for grants. There is a good possibility they may
direct your 42 cents towards another project.
A: You mean if they decide to accept my 42 cents, then they may or may not
decide to give back 39 cents towards the purchase of the pushpins?
B: That's correct. Additionally, since the primary funding was allocated by
the Public Art Task Force of the Special Projects Steering Committee of the
Foundation and its constituencies on the Community Advisory Board and Arts
Council, policy states that the Foundation must also receive an additional
6% return on the value of all materials purchased. You may decide if you
would like this to be an in-kind donation.
A: You mean they want me to give them six of my 100 pushpins to reinvest?
B: Exactly. The other option is to draft an amendment to the proposal
budget requesting aluminum pushpins instead of plastic ones. That way you
won't incur a 42 cents out-of-pocket expense. Please be aware that this
amendment to the proposal will affect the status of your liability
insurance. Before the contract can be amended you must show proof that a
rider has been attached to your policy to cover pushpin-related injuries,
dismemberment or death.
A: Good grief! How long will all this take?
B: After the Director of Procurement returns from vacation, he can issue a
work order to the Purchasing and Contracting Manager to draft the
amendment. These things generally take a little under twelve weeks. The
insurance may taker a little longer depending on their exclusions, if any,
for puncture wounds. Additionally, you must appoint a designee to act on
your behalf in the event of your disability to execute the work, and show
proof in writing that you have had a tetnus shot in within the past 24
months.
A: (gulp) Twelve weeks to get pushpins??!! OK, amend the budget. State that
I need a box of 100 aluminum pushpins as soon as possible.
B: Don't forget, the Foundation will collect 6%
A: Fine. Order 106 pushpins.
B: We're terribly sorry, but we cannot approve orders for broken lots of
merchandise. You have to determine whether you can do the job as proposed
with 94 pushpins, or elect to amend the contract budget such that funds are
allocated for two boxes of 100. In which case, the Foundation will receive
12 pushpins total, and you will receive 188 pushpins. May we advise you
that the additional 88 pushpins cannot be used for your project and will be
held by our Surplus Properties Division to be auctioned off at the end of
the year. All Administrative Departments are free to place a silent bid on
the pushpins. The highest bidder, of course, will have to donate 6% back to
the Foundation, and will receive a total amount of 83 pushpins.
A: Of course.
B: In any case, you should have between 94 and 100 pushpins in
approximately six months.
A: Six months? Gee thanks for all your help...but...I guess I'll just use
tape.
B: Excellent decision. We'll notify the appropriate Officer to issue a
requisition for more red tape.
ee.ee.ee
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